Where do I go from here?

That is my question. We are trying to get our house back. Well, we never lost it. But anywho, the bank isnt cooperating. We both got promotions, raises. The bank HAS to work with us on this. I miss the way my life was. I know I cannot rewind, but I can certainly plan better for next time. Camden National Bank sucks. They do not return phone calls. End of rant.

I got a promotion. You know, the one ive been trying to get for 4 years? Yes, finally, its MINE. Its going good, working alot more than usual. Which, is awesome for the paycheck. I miss Addie like crazy, but these days, i believe the mom has to work too. To be able to afford to live. I am not willing to go without certain things. So, I work. Some agree, some do not. oh well. Its what works best for us.

Im trying to figure out how exactly to lose this baby weight. Ive been too busy to notice, but really, im not liking the way my clothes are fitting. So, we are back to my procrastinating about my weight loss. Well, p90x, i never have time for you. weight watchers, i can never stick with you. walking the dogs, I can never keep up with you everyday. The only way I lost weight, and looked good (in my opinion) was through puking my guts out when I got pregnant. I dropped 30lbs in 3 months. I fit into clothes from when I met David. Was I healthy? ummmm NO. I was too sick to notice the weight drop. But, I did however feel good fitting into smaller clothes. Drinking water, would be a great start. i always end up saying "oh this one soda/coffee/iced tea wont hurt" yea well it does. Im up at 6am because this is bugging me. ALOT. ive tried being accountable to people. I just ignore them. its so hard to do meals, because our schedule is so wonky.

Example of weight: (again, because im a retard) This, was this year.



preggers maybe 4 months?

and....5 months preggers.

Being pregnant (in the first few months) was a living hell. For me, for everyone around me. family, friends, co-workers....Everyone thought i was going to die. Hyperemesis is nothing to fool around with. This is why the thought of another child scares the *bleep* out of me. BUT, I cant help thinking, if i got that sick again, I would drop the weight. And, know better this time, to keep up with eating healthy, and keeping my body in excellent shape. But, I have no idea if we are ready for baby #2. These are random thoughts that go through my brain. Im retarded. So, heres to having 1 coffee a day, and the rest water. Ill report back next week and see how that is going. Water is extremely good for you. And, I need to be drinking it and set an example for Addison. Someone has to do it, and it certainly wont be David. I am so determined to get my sexy back. Here's to sexy, something every women needs. Feeling sexy is incredible. And, something I havent felt in a while. Im terrified of the scale, which is good, because I dont need it. I just need to get back into shape. Like I have said before, I dont care about numbers. This is my goal:

This is what I will be. I give myself 6 months. I post pictures to help me mentally. To have this in front of my face daily, helps. To know that it is possible. I have no idea how I am going to do this, But, I am determined. I have 40lbs to shed to make me healthier, and feel good. I heard cutting sugar our of your life helps. I heard cutting dairy helps also. Maybe both. I dont want to "diet" as they are usually unhealthy. But, to see results faster, is tempting. Exercise is the best solution for sure. But, when the hell do I have time?

Baby Blues has been tough, but I think im finally through it. I'm still learning about myself, and obviously still have alot to learn in life. Its a learning process. I hate learning. haha. I have alot on my brain lately, and my sleeping schedule is now screwed up. I dont sleep well. I need to come home from work, when im feeling the most relaxed from the ride home, and go right to bed. I always feel the most tired when I pull into the driveway, and im like yes, bed time!!!! And, then....bed does not happen.

Rewind

Addie turned 1. Yup, it happend way too fast for me. She stopped nursing about 2 1/2 weeks before, so we didnt technically make it to a year. This, is driving me nuts. Did I do awesome? Yes! To be a working mom, and we made it almost to a year. So, I guess I will just say we did. That will make me feel better. I got a case of the baby blues. I never thought this would happen to me. But, it most certainly did. I think I still have a touch of it, here and there.

Lately, I feel like I need a rewind button. I feel like if i had done everything different, we would be living the perfect life right now. I know there is no such thing as perfect, but, in my eyes, it would be better than where we're at now. I would have worked more, when I was younger, gone to college, been more careless (lol), built a house (i will never buy a used one again), I would never change the fact that I wanted to be a mom. Addie is the one thing I would never change. Oh, and of course David. haha. My life would be nothing without those two. I probably would have waited to get a 2nd dog. That is rough. I never would have had room-mates (terrible experiences), I never would have done a lot of things. Include, getting pregnant when we had so much on our plate. Do I regret it? Not all all, I regret the timing. We should have had things lined up better. Now? Our option is forclosure. It will come off our credit quicker than a short sale. This kills me. I hate that we busted our asses to get that stupid house. And now, eventually the bank (that actually sent a mortgage check back to us, they wouldnt accept it) will forclose on it. talk about failing. I hate failure. I dont accept it well.

And with the friggin fleas dude. We bombed the house, scrubbed the animals down, and gave them all a pill called capstar (works amazing), but we couldnt afford to get more. They  were flea free for all of 3 days. So when some of the leftover eggs hatched, we are almost right back where we started. I picked 4 off Addie's jammies tonight. I feel so bad, shes probably getting all bit up in her room. Bruschi is allergic to fleas, so he chews himself raw, and bleeds. Boy, im having the time of my life. I just want to rewind, and  be back in Windham with no issues! I feel like this is all a bad dream and its going to be over soon. We would have had more money for capstar pills if we didnt have to spend $200 in gas for the stupid generator. The only reason we had to run it was to avoid losing the water. (bad prime needs to be fixed). So it ran non stop for 3 days.

The only good news is Addie checked out awesome at her 1 year appt, and Im going down to part time, which I dont know if thats good, seems we need the money especially with oil season coming. I wish I could be home with her all the time. But i guess its impossible to be a SAHM these days. (stay at home mom)

I want a new tattoo. I want it soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. It helps me relieve stress, and that I have a ton of. I hate that they are so expensive.

I hate that I cant seem to wash cloth diapers right. They either stink-not enough detergent, or they burn addie's bum-too much detergent. I cant win. So annoying. Can you tell today was a bad day? I usually blog when things are bad. I need a night out, i need a date night, with adults. So funny, money has always been an issue for us, it doesnt matter how much we make, tons, or pennies, we always seem to have issues. money management class...here we come. hahahahaha. FML. random thoughts....time for bed. I hate cats. Anyone want some cats? Free cats.....FREE. Want to hear about my day? Okay, here it is!

12:22pm-Addison: "Mamma! MAMMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"....mamma?

12:25pm-I pee, Change Addies diaper, make her breakfast, check facebook

12:45pm-play with addie

1pm-Addie asked to see Dadda, we go see dadda, she slaps him in the eye.

1:30pm-play with addie, read books, dry diapers, read books, have snack, change diaper, play with addie

2pm- FINALLY we can wake dadda up.

2-3p-dadda and addie time, while i do dishes and make supper

330/4ishy-naptime. Thank god.

4-5pm-Addie naps while I shower, eat, and we argue about dumb crap.

6pm i leave for work

7-12:30 I clean peoples shit up, and listen to Russ be a retard all night long, listen to Rick bitch about Russ etc. Fun times.

1am-Home, Addie wouldnt go to sleep, (shes usually in bed when I get home) I made her a bottle (another one), and changed her diaper, to discover a massive chemical burn because Im a moron and apparently didnt rinse her diapers enough. Her room is too warm, shes hot, probably getting eaten by fleas, and her poor bum is so red :-( I hate today. Im glad its over. END RANT.

3:30am...eating cocoa crunchies, bitching on blogger!

Oh, i almost forgot, i scooped 20lbs of gross cat litter. Im so over cats. I HATE THEM.

Moving and Vacation!!!

So holy cow. Things havent gotten better at work. I talked with my boss about all of my concerns. I dont even feel like getting into it now.

We moved! We moved to Pownal, which is about 20 mins away from Windham, 8 minutes from Gray. Ive been unpacking and unpacking....it never ends. Trying to get organized, finding places for stuff I didnt know existed. Trying to get our house on the market, still trying to make trips once a week to get stuff from Windham house, that we couldnt fit into the truck. But, David and I feel less stressed for sure. Its easy to keep up with this house. Its smaller, but works just fine. We dont have to worry about the basement flooding EVER. The only cons to the house we are in now, is the bathroom is alot smaller than im used to (no storage), and people go way too fast on our road (35mph zone) people do about 50. So we cant let the dogs out to run, as they will most definitely get hurt. We were going to build a fenced in area for them to run....but then my purse was stolen and my car broke ($300) so we ran out of money.

Vacation:
Went super good. we spent alot of time together as a family! It was so nice not worrying about what time I had to be to work. It just makes me want to be a stay at home mom even more. We went to boston-the aquarium, wolfes neck state park, range pond, oob, it was fun!!! Until, my purse was stolen. Holy rush of emotions. It really made me mad. Like, that someone had the nerve to touch my purse, my personal belongings, that were right next to my daughters car seat. I hate feeling violated. We ran around, got a new bank account (because the ppl used my debit card) and i got a new license. We still have to file the police report, but the cops are pretty sure they can tag the asses that have been on a stealing spree. I really hope they get them.

Ive been planning Addison's 1st Birthday. Its so weird that she is turning ONE! We have had her with us for a year (well actually 1 year 9 months if you must). We are doing a Hungry catepillar theme! Im so excited, feeling so crafty. I finally get to throw a party for my daughter. I dont wanna wreck the surprises im doing, but it all ties in the the VHC theme.

We had Addie's photos done friday by a really cool Mama named Noelle. She is amazing, and definitely made me want to pursue photography even more. I want to take classes and learn all about it. I want to become a L&D nurse also. I guess photography is something more realistic right now, as David is going to college, and i feel as though It would be way too stressful to have 2 in school, and a baby, and 2 actually 3 jobs. YIKES. so photography it is.

P90X...food....and weight loss....

I read this lady's blog today, and her pictures were very inspiring!!!

http://fortheloveofskinny.wordpress.com/

This is a struggle for me. Weight in general sucks. Let me give you a very good idea of whats been going on.

I was 160lbs when i met David in 2005. I quickly gained weight, and by 2009 i was 200lbs. Well, most of you know when i got pregnant I dropped over 30 lbs and went back to 170....and full term 40 weeks pregnant i was 195lbs. I did amazing for the first 4 months, keeping the weight off, but I quickly started in with frozen dinners, anything that was quick to make, and I sat around all winter besides working 6 hours a night. So, yeah...now im back up to 200lbs. I feel so self conscious and annoyed. Im pissed at myself for not making more of an effort. I did try weight watchers when Addie was around 5 months old. I did great, lost a few lbs, learned how to plan meals, and portion things right. But even though I did the plan for breastfeeding moms, It still messed with milk production. From then on I have struggled with keeping up with Addies demand for milk. So I basically said, I dont care how fat I get, I am going to do the best I can to make it to a year breastfeeding. I have 1 more month to go!!!! But, back to weight loss. I have the p90x program. Im nervous about starting it. I just want to see results asap I guess. Im impatient. I want to be a little skinny chick. I never realized before how thin i was. I always thought i was chunky. NOPE! i would give anything to get that body back. 2005 was the 1 summer i wore a bikini, and I was sooooo paranoid that it looked terrible. I have a feeling it didnt. I want that body back. I am so determined to feel sexy again, i need to feel sexy again. I want to fit into all my size 11/12 pants. as of now, im a 16. I can do this. I need to do this. I need to kick my ass. I feel like a blob right now, especially when my husband is super skinny, and me next to him, just looks unporportioned. I have a lot of muscle, And i know that weighs more than fat, but this body at the moment looks more fat than muscle. So I will start P90X tomorrow. And begin eating like weight watchers again. Its the only way I actually care what i eat. It worked. And, I think I will do updated pictures of my loss too. It might help to see the pics, see the progress. Im excited, to finally pursue this, as ive been procrastinating, or way too busy to find time for me.

So, This is me in 2005 at 160 lbs:

hahahahahaha, i was totally talking to David below :-)

this is me in 2009 at the beginning of my pregnancy:

This was me after a 30lb weight drop from severe morning sickness:

(keep in mind i was 4 months prego)

This was me the night before i had Addison:

this was me right after i had addie. before gravity hit all my extra skin...

Note above ^ see how far the baby carrier strap comes to the middle of my hip??

Ok, see below: This is me now, at 200lbs, note the strap location. i have gained weight...too much. UGH.

I need to stop this before it gets worse. I might blog everyday if thats what it takes to get me through this. I dont really care "what i weigh" i dont care about the numbers. I care about what I look like, and what I can fit in. I know when i feel good. And, at this point, i feel miserable, and i feel like no one could possibly understand. I hate it when people say "your fine". No, actually, im not. I cant fit into anything. Its depressing, and it makes me angry. So....My goal? I dont have one. I just need to work on this. Before I get pregnant again. LOL.

Thanks for reading, it makes me feel supported!

Night #2 of not STTN.

I think not having a normal schedule is finally come back to bite me in the ass. Last night Addie woke up in the middle of the night. SCREAMING. Me, only having 2 hours of sleep, jumped up in a panic, to burst into her room, because I needed to see what was hurting my precious baby. David and I assumed it was a nightmare. Well, now im thinking not, seems shes up again today. This boggles my mind. Addison has always been an amazing sleeper, which started at a young age. 7 or 8 months of NEVER waking up, and sleeping 10+ hours thru the night. So why the hell is she waking up now!!?!?!?!!? I hope she passes out soon, yesterday It took 2 hours. Right now, we are listening to the toddler station on Pandora, waiting patiently for Dadda to get out of work. If she keeps this not STTN (sleeping thru the night) thing up, I might have to change our schedule to a normal people day. up at 7 or 8. to bed at 9 pm. The only different, new thing, was I gave her blueberries. Maybe those upset her belly? too acidic? no idea. Im tired, and need this baby to go back to bed. *grumble*...... I knoooooow two nights out of 8 months really isnt that bad. But, Im used to a routine. Messy routines make me grumpy, and make for a long day.

I love this kid. Unconditionally. Just PLEASE GO BACK TO BED!

Just need to vent...

Hi Everyone!

Im not quite sure where to start. My hair is finally red again. So i feel like myself. Yaaaay! We are still trying to get our house a for sale sign. What a process that is. It doesnt help at all that our schedule is completely opposite of most people. And, im frusterated that David and I have one day off every two weeks together-which is always booked up-with most recently-moving. Packing is going slow. The rain is making me grumpy!

Okay, on a good note: My little sister Cassie and her Fiance Matt, had their baby!!!!!! On June 16th. Miss Audrey Estelle made her appearance at 5:20 pm, weighed 8lbs 3oz, and was 21" (i think?). She is a gorgeous baby. Im so proud of my lil sis. Shes doing a great job! I got to be there during the birth, and im honored that the two of them would share that special experience with me. Being there for her, and helping them, made me really want to pursue the thought of being a Doula, or L&D nurse. Ahhhh....dreams. But, I did feel right being there, I felt as if it were the right job for me. Helping a baby into the world is an amazing thing. I cant even explain it. We are kitty-sitting Cassie's kitty Jax too. He loved little Audrey so much, he wouldnt stop sneaking in her bassinette at night. So, he's here, with us. he's doing good adjusting. He definately doesnt like the big dogs. Ollie loves him lol.

The FREAKING rain needs to go away. It makes the dogs CRAZY. I cant wait to let them out into a fenced in yard, just to run! They need to run run run! They dont listen very well, and usually end up in the woods, or neighbors yards in Windham. But, when we move to Pownal they will be fenced in. I am excited to be more organized. Seeing my house in pieces right now, makes me wig out. I want to be able to cook my family good meals. Having dinner every night, together, would make me so happy. But, trying to find meals that David and I agree on...are few and far between. Pasta, Pizza, Chicken and Steak. And...Corn, String beans, asparagus, and rice are a few things we agree on. One thing I will make sure-Addison will LOVE her fruits and veggies! david hates fruit. So, it makes groceries and meals really hard when he is such a picky eater. I will give him a little credit, he will try new things, but usually doesnt like it. His newest find: Chicken pot pies. he likes them. LOL. Oh Oh Oh! Another good thing, after months, we finally got our tax returns. WOOT!

I want to go to the beach, I want to be careless and not worry about time. I have cut back on breastfeeding. Well, the pumping part. I dont make enough to keep up with my little brute. It breaks my heart. I think if I could be a SAHM (stay at home Mom) things would be totally different. But, I cant let her starve. She eats 3 solid meals a day, and she nurses and has formula in between. Right now shes having a growthspurt and shes having a hard time with teething. Still no teeth. But, hey she was walking at 9 months. Addie has been ahead on everything else. So, I dont mind that the teeth are somewhat late. We had to get a pack of disposable diapers, which bugs me. I'm having issues with some type of ammonia or detergent burn. So, Ive been trying to figure out a wash routine that works for us. We have hard water, thats treated with a softener. That makes things diffucult.

There are so many things I want to do this summer. We finally, after 3 years (our wedding) have a vacation!!! We could finally afford one. So, camping, davids gallbladder surgery, the boston aquarium, a concert in boston, a wedding in NH, more camping, beach....are all things i plan to tackle this summer. David will begin classes again at SMCC this fall. And, I have to remind myself to stop and breathe. I need to enjoy Addie while I can. Shes growing up so fast, and shes so smart. I want David to finish College before I even think about going. I have a feeling it will be a while, or maybe never. Oh well. Its a dream, and sometimes they come true. And, we are trying to plan baby #2, I guess you cant really plan them haha. They show up when they want, or when they are meant to be in your life. I have no idea if more kids are meant to be. But, If they are, I would love to have them. Im sure Addie would love a sibling. As one of my very old, very good friends put it: I told my husband I wanted another baby. He said no. I said, you went to school for what you wanted to do in life. There is no school for what I want to be which is a mom. There are promotions in your job. There are more babies as promotions, in my job. lol. thats probably not exactly word for word what my friend said, but I love the point.

I have been trying to get out of my negative funk. I think blogging helps, it makes me see the negative points I need to work on, and the positive good stuff in life, i can look forward to. Goodnight Moon.

Supermom

This is my first entry, so i'm a little nervous. It might be a little scatterbrained...which...is usually how I think.

I guess I will write my story from the time I became a mom. Motherhood has taught me alot! How you could love a little baby so much. I love Addison. She brightens my world up so much!

Most of you know, I was SO sick when I was pregnant with her. Until about 6 months prego, I was throwing up constantly, and I was in the hospital alot for IV fluids. Things eventually got better...and on August 20th, 2010, I became a mom. BEST DAY EVER. (Well, besides the day I married David.) We ended up falling behind on bills, because I was missing work. And we didnt get health insurance until i was almost past the hospital visits. I was so happy when David got the job at National. Amazing insurance! But, now, we are behind on alot. Especially with me being out for maternity leave. We planned bad, and didnt save enough. Somehow we miscalculated. Our $ situation has been getting better since I went back to work in November. But, I really miss my baby. Im breastfeeding, and working. That is tough for me, i hate pumping. And, lately I havent been making enough for her to eat. So as of last week we've been supplementing with formula. Ive been pretty depressed about this, but I'm thankful she still wants to nurse when Im home with her. So we just might make it to my goal: one year. On top of everything we have going on (Davids working 12 hour night shifts, im working nights, etc) we have finally decided we cannot afford the house anymore. This kills me. We worked so freakin hard to get this far. But I have to remind myself daily, we need to do whats best for our daughter. Staying in this house, isnt whats best. Actually, I really kind of hate this house. Its a split level, pain in the ass, hell hole. There is always something going wrong with it. The basement floods (wasnt disclosed when we bought it), so our basement cant be used. I dont trust it. Having a baby with 5 million toys on one floor, drives me crazy. It isnt really baby friendly. Especially with two huge Rottweilers. So thankfully, Davids mom is letting us rent her old house. We are going to sell ours. Our best bet, unfortunately would be short sale. We wouldnt get a dime. UGH. Oh well. I just want to move on. And speaking of MOVING. what a pain, with a walking baby. i cant seem to get anything done! Im the only one that packs...I try to pack a couple boxes a day. We moved one load this past weekend. What a flop that was. We got up before Addie, so we could get the van packed up (our boss is letting us use the big company van). Well David managed to hurt his back loading a heavy box. He was out of commission. I wasnt about to unload the van, so we drove over to Pownal house and I unloaded it all by myself. My mom came over to entertain Addie for me-thank goodness. We are hoping to move another load this weekend. It feels like Im always running. I never have time to stop and smell the roses. Im doing laundry, dishes, making baby food, washing diapers (Yes we cloth diaper!), nursing addie, cleaning, trying to find time for me to shower, and then I leave for work. im always so busy. And the poor dogs...i feel so guilty about they way they are attention deprived. I try to play with them when I get a second...and I try and walk Bruschi when its nice enough to bring Addie out. I feel like everything is my responsibility. Im needing to vent sometimes about everything I have to do. So I usually turn to my hubby, my best friend. Well tonight I told him Im tired of doing everything. he got mad at me for venting. I dont really have friends, so I guess I can vent to this page from now on. I feel like I never have time for anything. EVER. I really hope things get better once we move. maybe we can spend more time as a family. I would love that. And i would love to see my sisters more often. I really miss them. Im always telling Tonya I dont have time for her. I feel so bad. Poor Cassie lives in Oxford, so its a bit of a drive for me. Ive been wanting to visit, but again...when am I supposed to? I want to see Belinda...but our schedules clash. weekends are usually booked up for me, as david has every other saturday off. I want to go visit grandparents...show Addie off....I want to go see my Dad more...i used to bug him all the time. I miss it. This is what being a mom is. responsibility. I am glad though, that my mom and i have become close...like, better than ever. She watches Addie alot. And, we get to visit all the time. Im glad things are better between us. I want to go out and about, exploring, hiking, camping, I want to show addie the world! im so excited for our new adventures as parents. I hope we find the time for everything we want to do in life. I hope David graduates college with no problems. I cant wait until thats over. Thats enough for now. Im exhausted...and bed calls my name. thanks for letting me ramble!

~Char